Monday, September 25, 2006
Fear
Interesting thing, this fear. I saw it today in someone's eyes. Stark. Yet I found it funny because I did not feel it mainly as I or rather something on me was the cause of the fear. It was in the train this morning. I caught it running and out of breath. The laptop hurting the shoulder blades. I am not used to it because I don't carry it home everyday. Too much hassle. Anyway so I got on and put the laptop on the overhead rack. Since it was a little warm, I avoided sitting down on an empty seat, half walked half stumbled to the door of the compartment and stood facing the wind. For the first couple of minutes, as I stood there feeling the cool wind calm my nerves, I glanced at the laptop's position because I had placed it there hurriedly and did not want it to fall on someone's head.
As the train started speeding I stood at the door holding the support rod in the middle. I knew I would have to move away because the next station would be on the same side and people would rush in. Someone called, "Excuse me." I did not pay attention. The words were repeated. I looked inside wondering who and what it was.
As the train started speeding I stood at the door holding the support rod in the middle. I knew I would have to move away because the next station would be on the same side and people would rush in. Someone called, "Excuse me." I did not pay attention. The words were repeated. I looked inside wondering who and what it was.
"Is the bag yours?" The question was addressed to me. The query came from a young lady. The typical suburban Mumbai everyday commuter complete with earphones and a book to pass the totally inactive one hour in the train. She was pointing towards my laptop bag above.
"Yes." I replied.
"Can you come and sit here?" she indicated to a seat next to hers.
"Ummm why?" I asked, I had no intention of seating there in this heat.
"Please sit here." She repeated. Her voice had an edge.
"No, I can't sit inside. Its too hot. I am ok here." I replied and continued standing.
"If you don't sit here, I will pull the chain." She said, her voice trembled a bit. Women around her raised their eyes to see what was happening. No one intervened.
"Arre, for what joy?" I was a bit peeved so my voice was mocking.
"What if you leave the bag and get off somewhere?" She almost shouted.
"I would loose my job if I leave the it here and get off." I replied and went inside.
"Just sit here, who knows what is in the bag?" Her cheeks had turned red and the voice was panicky.
"What do you mean?" Just as I uttered those words I realised what she really meant.
"I mean, what if this bag ..." she spoke in spurts but did not complete the sentence.
"Has a bomb?" I completed it for here. She did not reply but I could sense some hostility all around me. "I don't have a bomb in that bag. Its just a laptop."
"So why don't you sit here, near it." She asked.
"Because it is very hot and I don't like reaching office all drenched in sweat. You are a working woman, I am sure you understand that." I argued hoping that she would see sense.
"Look, I don't want to argue but it would make me feel better if you sat here." There was something about her voice that made me realise how scared she was of the possibility that my bag held a bomb. Her eyes were a bit wet and pleading.
"Yes." I replied.
"Can you come and sit here?" she indicated to a seat next to hers.
"Ummm why?" I asked, I had no intention of seating there in this heat.
"Please sit here." She repeated. Her voice had an edge.
"No, I can't sit inside. Its too hot. I am ok here." I replied and continued standing.
"If you don't sit here, I will pull the chain." She said, her voice trembled a bit. Women around her raised their eyes to see what was happening. No one intervened.
"Arre, for what joy?" I was a bit peeved so my voice was mocking.
"What if you leave the bag and get off somewhere?" She almost shouted.
"I would loose my job if I leave the it here and get off." I replied and went inside.
"Just sit here, who knows what is in the bag?" Her cheeks had turned red and the voice was panicky.
"What do you mean?" Just as I uttered those words I realised what she really meant.
"I mean, what if this bag ..." she spoke in spurts but did not complete the sentence.
"Has a bomb?" I completed it for here. She did not reply but I could sense some hostility all around me. "I don't have a bomb in that bag. Its just a laptop."
"So why don't you sit here, near it." She asked.
"Because it is very hot and I don't like reaching office all drenched in sweat. You are a working woman, I am sure you understand that." I argued hoping that she would see sense.
"Look, I don't want to argue but it would make me feel better if you sat here." There was something about her voice that made me realise how scared she was of the possibility that my bag held a bomb. Her eyes were a bit wet and pleading.
"Ok. Just to convince you that I am not a terrorist or something I will sit here." I reluctantly sat down and luckily the fan above was functioning so it was not that uncomfortable.
During this time the train had already crossed four or five stations and many people got on and off, no one had bothered to be a part of the arguement. Some of them watched with various expressions on their faces largely amused at the paranoia of the lady and maybe at my obstinacy as well but as I sat beside the lady and looked at her face now calmly reading the newspaper, I remembered her expression of a few minutes ago. She was afraid. There was fear in those eyes. Fear borne out of suspicion and paranoia. It seemed amusing to me and others around me but to her it was crucial that I sat beside her.
Mumbai is a city inhabited by people who realise that they have no choice to but feign their desperation and frustration as courage and strength but occasionally at unconcious moments the fear resurfaces from their stern features. This fear will slowly loose to routine until another wound peirces them and it emerges stronger than ever. I don't know how many wounds this city can take and how many times it will defeat fear but this lady's reaction made me realise that it might not take all this much more.
Comments:
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Welcome welcome back :) And it was so greeeeaaaat to read your post again, and in that same detailed mode. Ekdum jaise khud uss train pe ho!
Really, mazaa aa gaya :)
Really, mazaa aa gaya :)
# posted by 
: 8:41 PM, September 26, 2006
: 8:41 PM, September 26, 2006
I visited Deepak's blog today and came to know abt Ur site while reading Ur comment there. Congratulations! Nice to read Ur writings again after pretty long time. All the best!!
# posted by : 9:56 AM, September 27, 2006
: 9:56 AM, September 27, 2006
Welcome back lady! good to have you back..
Agreed that the lady was scared... but she was also alert... and she was the only one who bothered to talk to you and tell you... so many others didn't bother... what if there really is a terrorist tomorrow, who places a bag on the overhead shelf and stands at the door for the want of air, and then walks away leaving the compartment to blow up?
Agreed that the lady was scared... but she was also alert... and she was the only one who bothered to talk to you and tell you... so many others didn't bother... what if there really is a terrorist tomorrow, who places a bag on the overhead shelf and stands at the door for the want of air, and then walks away leaving the compartment to blow up?
sirji, thank you for reading inspite of your kaam ka bojh ;) btw if you notice, restarted the blog on the same date as the last one was started.
hope to continue with this one properly.
hope to continue with this one properly.
hi anki, good to see you.
I agree, she was alert but then again it was an over-reaction. Really if I wanted to blow up the trian, I would have jumped out at the starting station itself. Your point is true that no one else bothered but then thats what is Mumbai all about. People don't bother and this fear is changing the nature of the city from the couldn't-care-less to alertness to the extent of paranoia. I feel it is a sad thing to happen.
I agree, she was alert but then again it was an over-reaction. Really if I wanted to blow up the trian, I would have jumped out at the starting station itself. Your point is true that no one else bothered but then thats what is Mumbai all about. People don't bother and this fear is changing the nature of the city from the couldn't-care-less to alertness to the extent of paranoia. I feel it is a sad thing to happen.
See i always avered, you are most wanted! :-) Feel like re-welcoming you back.
And good narration, like always. :)
Had it been fiction I would have made you wonder at her puzzled expression, think of her as a crackpot or sth. Then go to your office, proceed to clear up your table and on a coffee-cup stained old newspaper see her blood painted face when the bombs blew bombay.
But that would be fiction.
And good narration, like always. :)
Had it been fiction I would have made you wonder at her puzzled expression, think of her as a crackpot or sth. Then go to your office, proceed to clear up your table and on a coffee-cup stained old newspaper see her blood painted face when the bombs blew bombay.
But that would be fiction.
vyom, believe me I had thought of that too. The Train Ghost protecting the junta of mumbai against terrorists. but my version was funny not so scary with blood stained faces on newspapers.
but then this is fact not fiction. this lady happily got off at Lower Parel.
but then this is fact not fiction. this lady happily got off at Lower Parel.
ahan another post & a detailed one.....When I was in Mumbai..used to feel soo scared standing near the door....
Its good to hear that people are aware....though none of the other passengers included themselves....but then too...even 1 person makes a difference....
Its good to hear that people are aware....though none of the other passengers included themselves....but then too...even 1 person makes a difference....
# posted by : 12:37 PM, September 28, 2006
: 12:37 PM, September 28, 2006
I think i didnt communicate clearly.
I did not imply for her to be blown up, after you get off. I wanted you (the narrator) to realize (once you reach office) that she had survived a bomb blast earlier, nad THAT was causing a phobia. You know such things would scar ones mind for ever.
I did not imply for her to be blown up, after you get off. I wanted you (the narrator) to realize (once you reach office) that she had survived a bomb blast earlier, nad THAT was causing a phobia. You know such things would scar ones mind for ever.
hi vyom, but I did understand you correctly, i knew you implied her to have been hurt by the earlier blast but I was thinking of much more chilling, that she was killed in the earlier blast and as a ghost stalks trains for suspicious people. its sad that I cannot convey the scariness in it somehow whatever I say seems funny.
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