Friday, September 29, 2006
In converstation with me.
Things are not going so well from the work point of view in life. I have to give up on something I had worked very hard on for a very long time and that is painful. I have been crying a bit but hate myself for it so to end the dispair in my mind this was what I wrote to myself ...
Stop crying you fool. There are a lot of people much worse than you in the world and they bloody smile in front of all the pain. you have so much to thank God for. Just be grateful and get on with life. You have hated self-pity in other people so why are you getting into it yourself. Just shut up, do what has to be done in life. If you go on like this for long, you will be like one of those people who you hate.
Its difficult I know, but then what is not. If you were the wife of a rich man, your difficulty would be an identity crisis. if you were a rich businessman your difficulty would be extortionists and by God's grace if you had been the President of the United States there would be an Osama somewhere in the world causing pain in the wrong places.
So difficulty is going to be there. Remember the past instances where you overcame and how strong you became. This too shall pass. You might turn back and realise how stupid you were at wasting tears and time after something so irrelevant. And how can it not pass when time goes on without asking you whether it should. You have not lost something that you cannot rebuild, remember what Rudyard Kilpling said,
"If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;"
Of course like all men who think the world consists only of their kind he also addressed it to his 'son' but I guess you can give the credit that whatever he said is true. If this is what has happened to you, its sad but if I stand outside of you and see what has happened, I see nothing so bad. Get a grip, take a break and move on in life. There is so much to do, so much to see, so much to give and so little time.
Remember, you have not failed. This is not failure, you are doing well at every step because the real failure is if you fail as a human being. All these are just bumps on Indian roads. Why did I say Indian, well thats because they come without warning ... SO GET ON WITH LIFE. NOW.
Stop crying you fool. There are a lot of people much worse than you in the world and they bloody smile in front of all the pain. you have so much to thank God for. Just be grateful and get on with life. You have hated self-pity in other people so why are you getting into it yourself. Just shut up, do what has to be done in life. If you go on like this for long, you will be like one of those people who you hate.
Its difficult I know, but then what is not. If you were the wife of a rich man, your difficulty would be an identity crisis. if you were a rich businessman your difficulty would be extortionists and by God's grace if you had been the President of the United States there would be an Osama somewhere in the world causing pain in the wrong places.
So difficulty is going to be there. Remember the past instances where you overcame and how strong you became. This too shall pass. You might turn back and realise how stupid you were at wasting tears and time after something so irrelevant. And how can it not pass when time goes on without asking you whether it should. You have not lost something that you cannot rebuild, remember what Rudyard Kilpling said,
"If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;"
Of course like all men who think the world consists only of their kind he also addressed it to his 'son' but I guess you can give the credit that whatever he said is true. If this is what has happened to you, its sad but if I stand outside of you and see what has happened, I see nothing so bad. Get a grip, take a break and move on in life. There is so much to do, so much to see, so much to give and so little time.
Remember, you have not failed. This is not failure, you are doing well at every step because the real failure is if you fail as a human being. All these are just bumps on Indian roads. Why did I say Indian, well thats because they come without warning ... SO GET ON WITH LIFE. NOW.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Fear
Interesting thing, this fear. I saw it today in someone's eyes. Stark. Yet I found it funny because I did not feel it mainly as I or rather something on me was the cause of the fear. It was in the train this morning. I caught it running and out of breath. The laptop hurting the shoulder blades. I am not used to it because I don't carry it home everyday. Too much hassle. Anyway so I got on and put the laptop on the overhead rack. Since it was a little warm, I avoided sitting down on an empty seat, half walked half stumbled to the door of the compartment and stood facing the wind. For the first couple of minutes, as I stood there feeling the cool wind calm my nerves, I glanced at the laptop's position because I had placed it there hurriedly and did not want it to fall on someone's head.
As the train started speeding I stood at the door holding the support rod in the middle. I knew I would have to move away because the next station would be on the same side and people would rush in. Someone called, "Excuse me." I did not pay attention. The words were repeated. I looked inside wondering who and what it was.
As the train started speeding I stood at the door holding the support rod in the middle. I knew I would have to move away because the next station would be on the same side and people would rush in. Someone called, "Excuse me." I did not pay attention. The words were repeated. I looked inside wondering who and what it was.
"Is the bag yours?" The question was addressed to me. The query came from a young lady. The typical suburban Mumbai everyday commuter complete with earphones and a book to pass the totally inactive one hour in the train. She was pointing towards my laptop bag above.
"Yes." I replied.
"Can you come and sit here?" she indicated to a seat next to hers.
"Ummm why?" I asked, I had no intention of seating there in this heat.
"Please sit here." She repeated. Her voice had an edge.
"No, I can't sit inside. Its too hot. I am ok here." I replied and continued standing.
"If you don't sit here, I will pull the chain." She said, her voice trembled a bit. Women around her raised their eyes to see what was happening. No one intervened.
"Arre, for what joy?" I was a bit peeved so my voice was mocking.
"What if you leave the bag and get off somewhere?" She almost shouted.
"I would loose my job if I leave the it here and get off." I replied and went inside.
"Just sit here, who knows what is in the bag?" Her cheeks had turned red and the voice was panicky.
"What do you mean?" Just as I uttered those words I realised what she really meant.
"I mean, what if this bag ..." she spoke in spurts but did not complete the sentence.
"Has a bomb?" I completed it for here. She did not reply but I could sense some hostility all around me. "I don't have a bomb in that bag. Its just a laptop."
"So why don't you sit here, near it." She asked.
"Because it is very hot and I don't like reaching office all drenched in sweat. You are a working woman, I am sure you understand that." I argued hoping that she would see sense.
"Look, I don't want to argue but it would make me feel better if you sat here." There was something about her voice that made me realise how scared she was of the possibility that my bag held a bomb. Her eyes were a bit wet and pleading.
"Yes." I replied.
"Can you come and sit here?" she indicated to a seat next to hers.
"Ummm why?" I asked, I had no intention of seating there in this heat.
"Please sit here." She repeated. Her voice had an edge.
"No, I can't sit inside. Its too hot. I am ok here." I replied and continued standing.
"If you don't sit here, I will pull the chain." She said, her voice trembled a bit. Women around her raised their eyes to see what was happening. No one intervened.
"Arre, for what joy?" I was a bit peeved so my voice was mocking.
"What if you leave the bag and get off somewhere?" She almost shouted.
"I would loose my job if I leave the it here and get off." I replied and went inside.
"Just sit here, who knows what is in the bag?" Her cheeks had turned red and the voice was panicky.
"What do you mean?" Just as I uttered those words I realised what she really meant.
"I mean, what if this bag ..." she spoke in spurts but did not complete the sentence.
"Has a bomb?" I completed it for here. She did not reply but I could sense some hostility all around me. "I don't have a bomb in that bag. Its just a laptop."
"So why don't you sit here, near it." She asked.
"Because it is very hot and I don't like reaching office all drenched in sweat. You are a working woman, I am sure you understand that." I argued hoping that she would see sense.
"Look, I don't want to argue but it would make me feel better if you sat here." There was something about her voice that made me realise how scared she was of the possibility that my bag held a bomb. Her eyes were a bit wet and pleading.
"Ok. Just to convince you that I am not a terrorist or something I will sit here." I reluctantly sat down and luckily the fan above was functioning so it was not that uncomfortable.
During this time the train had already crossed four or five stations and many people got on and off, no one had bothered to be a part of the arguement. Some of them watched with various expressions on their faces largely amused at the paranoia of the lady and maybe at my obstinacy as well but as I sat beside the lady and looked at her face now calmly reading the newspaper, I remembered her expression of a few minutes ago. She was afraid. There was fear in those eyes. Fear borne out of suspicion and paranoia. It seemed amusing to me and others around me but to her it was crucial that I sat beside her.
Mumbai is a city inhabited by people who realise that they have no choice to but feign their desperation and frustration as courage and strength but occasionally at unconcious moments the fear resurfaces from their stern features. This fear will slowly loose to routine until another wound peirces them and it emerges stronger than ever. I don't know how many wounds this city can take and how many times it will defeat fear but this lady's reaction made me realise that it might not take all this much more.
Look Who's Back
Its been four months and twenty-five days since I had written the good-bye post on rediffblogs. Lots of things happened during in this time great, good, bad, sad, ridiculous, horrible, painful etc. etc. but something that happened recently made me realise that I should go back to blogging. If not as active as before at least keep the chornicling and documenting going otherwise life, as it goes will pass by without even one memory stencilled in time. I lost someone very close recently and made me realise how fragile life can be and so the return of the prodigal kid with a very unlike me poem of what I felt when the man who died lay in front of me and I was doing a mundane task of removing rose petals from the stems for people who visited and needed the flowers to pay respects. Dead flowers for the dead …
I stare at it disbelieving,
its stare matches mine, only slightly amused,
as if surprised at my audacity
to disbelieve its presence.
They go past it in regular humdrum,
each in a wordless dialogue with it.
staring at it as if unseeing
hoping for its absence.
How many lies will be told in its face?
How many days will its shadow shame?
Time will pass and eyes which once sparked tears
will show sadness only in name.
I lower my eyes in helpless defeat
there is always something, they say.
But forget to add the exception
nothing exists that death can’t cheat.
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